ok, I know I'm being a baby. I was born with all kinds of issues and I survived and have lived a great, healthy life. After giving birth to Kamille (#2) I noticed something didnt feel right so I went in and my dr. said my uterus is prolapsed. (I know all you men wanted to know this but oh well) Anyway, my dr. said that however many kids I had after Kami was dependant on how well my body could do. Well, 2 more kids later and now its time to take care of business.
Monday I go in to have my surgery, removing my uterus and cervix and have a bladder repair as well as a repair of another not so fun body part that I wont use the medical term for. Yes, I am freaking out! I have never had surgery, and apparently from a couple of the well intentioned individuals I have told have told me its a pretty painful surgery. GREAT!
Many thoughts have been running through my mind since the moment I scheduled the surgery with the hospital a couple of months ago.
Am I going to live through it? Will I wake up?
Am I going to feel incomplete? I will no longer have the ability to have children, and in some small way I feel like I'm in mourning. Thankfully four children was all my body could handle, but I am still going to feel a little bit of a loss that that part of my life is over. The upside is that now I can focus everything on watching my sweet daughters grow up and enjoy them.
6 weeks recovery seems like forever. When you have a baby, you at least have that little one to fill your time of 6 weeks but because of my repairs, I cannot do laundry, vacuum or do anything real strenuous. A friend of mine who had this done a couple of years ago said that I will feel pretty good after 2 weeks but that after doing a few simple things, I will feel so exhausted and sleep for hours. I hope my family is up to this challenge. Paul will have to be mom and dad for a little while. He is so amazing too. I know Heavenly Father helped us find each other, no other man in the world could put up with me.
I cant lift anything, including my 1 year old. I'm feeling so heart sick about that. She loves me to hold her and is at the age that just sitting next to her is not enough, she has to be in my arms.
I know I am just venting here, sorry to whoever reads this. These are thoughts I have had running through my mind the past 2 months. I dont sleep well at night worrying that my kids are going to resent me.
Hailey has her maturation program at school on Thursday and I want to go. I should go. I am her mom and I need to be there. Most likely I wont be and I have such guilt. Grandma is going to take her, but it should be me!
Emilee has a field trip for preschool, and no I cant make that either.
ok, I will stop. I am just rambling on and on.
The amazing part of all of this are my girls. I know that Hailey and Kami fasted for me last week and for 4 days I have felt peace knowing that I was going to make it.... hehehe
And then those nagging thoughts come back, a result of my anxiety that I cant seem to control and I worry again.
The best moment will be when I awake from the surgery, knowing that I made it through and all I have to do now is heal. The big part, the part I will not even be awake for, will be over and then I can move forward with my life and take it one day at a time. My body may be a little different, but in one great way, a lot less complicated or high maintenance.
The best up-side of this. The year supply of feminine supplies will not seem as daunting with one less girl to worry about...me. I just need to own stock in Kotex when the rest of the Skolmoski girls get there!
Wish me luck, pray for me. I know I will live and will be grateful for the repairs to my body that have been causing me just a bit of trouble for a little while.
Im thankful for prayer which always gets my mind back on track and reminds me that He is the one in charge and I need to trust Him and have faith.
All will be well.
