I realized after my last post, I crave the release this gives me. I have been quite a slacker when it comes to journaling. Ever since I got married, my journal entries have been few and far between. I was an avid journal writer from about the age of 12 until I got married. I literally have boxes of journals. Now, I have 1 journal that I have sporadically written in in the last almost 15 years. HOW SAD!
Maybe its the time of year, maybe its the times we are living in.....or maybe Im normal? Whatever it is, I have really been struggling.
One of the things I struggle with is what others think of me.
Paul keeps asking me why I care what others think. Yes, I ask myself the same thing. Why do I care?
Maybe because I care about the opinions of some of those people. Or maybe I care too much?
Regardless of what it is, I feel as though I have failed.
I have heard the comments that others have made about the way we are allowing our daughter to travel all over the country to play soccer. Yes, she has occasionally plays on Sunday. Does that make me a bad mom? Does that make me a bad member of the church? Am I worthy to go to the Temple knowing that we are supporting our daughter and her goals? Does that mean that my daughter will grow up thinking that Sunday is just another day of the week.
The saddest part is, I am feeling guilt more because of the things that others have said to me, and the judgements being passed (behind our backs) then I am of the actual decision.
I have struggled spiritually because of the condescending things being said about "we know better" or "how could they let their daughter do this. She is going to grow up thinking...."
my favorite is, "they are favoring their oldest daughter above the others."
We actually went to the temple over this decision. We prayed as a couple and with Hailey over this decision. Ultimately, it is Hailey's future we are deciding. She has some pretty lofty goals. We as parents want our kids to reach their goals. We want them to dream, and not just dream but dream big and then believe that they can do anything they set their minds to. From the beginning of Hailey's life, as well as the lives of our other girls, we have taught them that we will support them in whatever they are doing. We will council them, and teach the what is right, and let them govern themselves.
So does that make our daughter less spiritual than others because she has chosen (and we have supported her) to play soccer on Sunday's when she is out of state? Does that mean she isnt going to grow up with a strong testimony of the gospel because she has dreams of the Olympics and playing for a major college?
I have talked to my sweet daughter about her dreams often. Is there a possibility that she could make the US national team? You bet there is. The chances are slim, we know. But we are the LAST people in her life that will ever tell her she cannot reach her dreams.
I have been told that I need to read the "good, better, best" talk and then really think about our decision with Hailey. Well, that is coming from so many who assume that we havent thought this through.
So really, my heart has been broken time and again from my "friends" and neighbors and members of our ward who have passed judgement on us. I have a testimony of the gospel and I know that it is true. If I didnt, I would not continue to go to church knowing that those who have so cruelly said things about our family look me in the face and smile and then behind my back talk mean.
Think what you will. I will no longer allow you to hold my feelings hostage. You are not worth the hurt you have caused.
My daughter is more important than what you think of me and our family. Our daughters dreams are real. She is an amazing girl who can do anything she puts her mind to. She has had much judgement passed towards her from her peers, both members and non alike. So many hurtful things have been said and done to her in the past 18 months, and yet she holds her head high and knows who she is. She knows what she wants. She is strong. She is good. No matter what you say, she knows the truth. She has a testimony and we as her parents are doing all we can to help her keep Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ close to her in her life. She prays morning and night, including them in her decisions. THAT, in the end, is all that matters to me.
I know what is true. I know where I belong. It may not be in many social circles in the neighborhood, or at church, but I know that Heavenly Father is always there and that my efforts as a mother, a wife, a Primary President, a daughter, sister, friend, neighbor, cheerleader, etc etc are enough for HIM, even if they arent enough for everyone else. My daughter is a beautiful girl who has taught me that I can do anything I set my mind to. She has taught me that I can rise above the negative and shine no matter how few people I have on my sidelines cheering me on. She is a true example of determination, perseverance and faith. She knows who she is and doesnt let anyone define her. She lives her life as a shining example of love, forgiveness and hope for her future.
One day, as she and I were talking about life and her future, I asked her where she saw herself in 20 years.
She said, "a mom"
I said, "what about soccer?"
"I will be coaching my kids, DUH!"
Thats my girl!
We must be doing something right.
