I have depression. For the vast majority that read my blog...(all 5 of you) that is no surprise to you. I have always been more than forthcoming about my illness. It is not an easy thing for some to talk about, but for me, I am an open book. I have found more in common with those around me who battle the same thing as I do, and have actually found some friends through the bond of the big D.
I also think I have lost some friends because of the big D.
Recently our family has had to deal head on with some things that we have been shoving to the back burner for, oh, about 10 years. Nothing major for most people, but pretty major for us, me. I am not only a clinically depressed person, I am also a viciously proud one too. I don't want the whole world to know how screwed up I am, just most of it....hahahahah J/K!
Some battles we face are very apparent. Illness, death, job loss, financial (sometimes apparent), disasters, tragedy....I could go on.
And then there are the battles we all fight silently. For me, Satan knows how to work his way into my thoughts. Feelings of discouragement and worthlessness plague me. Especially right now when I feel like a complete and utter failure.
My faith is shaken. My heart is hurting. And I am a complete recluse. I think that I want to talk about things, but I truly don't want my heart to be broken any more than it is....when I share things with people I expect it to stay with THAT PERSON ONLY, even if they think others already know. So then it comes down to my lack of friends. My own doing I'm sure, because I have very little to contribute positively so I prefer to stay home.
So is this my depression talking or a flaw in my character? I really don't know the answer. Lately I have felt I am sitting in a big cavernous hole and I am not sure if I am really trying to claw my way out or if I don't want to face what is out there.
We have lost a significant amount of income this year. Income that we should have been saving...and we did save a little but now enough. Now its gone.
My husbands beloved truck...the truck he dreamt about since I met him, is up for sale. Our trailer, the one family vacation we can all agree on, is up for sale.
I know its just "stuff". My head knows that. But my heart is sad. My kids hearts are sad too.
I've considered going back to work.
To me, my world is crashing down around me.
I keep getting the same things said to me over and over....things could be worse. You could have a sick child. You could have completely lost your job. Your husband could be sick, disabled, dead.
All true. Does that mean I should not be allowed to grieve? And again, what is the difference between wallowing in my despair and feeling deep soul wrenching depression that I feel I can't "climb" out of.
So as you can see, I personally am going through some growing pains. I wish I could rewind and do so many things differently. I would have saved more, not enjoyed shopping for my girls as much.
So another thought has just come to me that I have asked myself many times in the past 2 weeks....
Is my testimony strong enough to get me through this? I have been down this road before when I wouldn't admit I needed help with my depression. That was 10 years ago. I prayed, fasted, went to the temple, read scriptures, was faithful in all the ways I knew how and Heavenly Father didn't fix me. I still have depression. But my testimony grew because of it. I realized that He won't fix everything. Sometimes there are things we MUST endure.
Here I am. I MUST endure this...if I am to learn anything from it. For the very few who will read this, I'm sorry to bother you with my trivial trials when I know some of yours are much greater than mine. I don't belittle your trials one little bit. In fact, maybe I am going through this to help someone else. I sure don't feel very helpful right now. Just like a whiny baby. The best I can do is try.
I'm trying.
So while my depression has raised its very vicious ugly head, I am not myself.
Thank you for the kind words of encouragement to me. Thank you for those that have actually called to see if I'm ok. I know that I am loved by you and that means the world to me.
I will survive.
We as a family will survive, and will be better for this.
And I promise the big "D" will not dominate my next post on this strange phenom we call blogging.
I was born a fighter.
I will keep fighting.
