A friend of mine just passed away yesterday from cancer. This was a guy in high school who teased me incessantly, treated me with very little respect and was a downright jerk to me. I was dating one of his best friends and I guess he felt it was his job to show me who was boss. He was about 6 ft 5, 250 lbs....yes this was high school. I remember one day he picked me up and flung me over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes and walked around the halls of Alta High school with me. (I was wearing a skirt) I was kicking and screaming for him to put me down. I know I was calling him all kinds of names. When he finally put me down, he had me pinned up against a wall and told me "little girl, you need to know who's boss. What are you gonna do about it?"
Ya. Not a very nice person at the time.
I am not the type of person to keep a record of all the mean things people have done to me. But I remembered him. I remember being terrified of him. But I also did not cower in the corner at his treatment. I always fought back. Thats the way I roll. ;) I think it drove him crazy that he didnt scare me.....even though he really did.
So about a year ago, I got a friend request on facebook from him. I debated on saying yes. High School was not a favorite place for me. I was teased and belittled a lot. I have always struggled with my self esteem, especially during the years of 14-18. I have a lot of unhappy memories of that time. (plenty of happy ones too, of course)
But, I thought, what the heck. So I accepted his friend invite.
In response, I received a short message that said.
"I know I was not very kind to you in high school and for that I am sorry"
W.O.W.
I immediately said, "all is forgiven. Hope you are well"
I haven't spent the last almost 20 years hoping for that apology. In fact I hadn't thought much about it until I saw his name on my friend request. At the same time, what a gift it was for me.
He told me about his life briefly and that he has a very rare form of cancer. The Dr's were not giving him much hope. But he was holding on to his Faith, and knew that whatever happened, it was Heavenly Father's will.
He passed away yesterday,leaving his wife and 4 young children. My heart was heavy yesterday and I needed a pick me up.
I kept debating on whether or not I should attend the adult session of Stake Conference, alone. I went, not having a good enough reason to stay home.
I can't say I have been in too many meetings that have really been significant in my life. I always learn something, no matter if it was something I already knew and needed a gentle reminder or a new idea that I had never looked at in that way. Either way, I was not expecting anything amazing from last nights meeting.
It was not amazing, but it was exactly what I needed.
The premise of all the talks was this. We are not alone. We can ALWAYS repent. Keep holding on.
I reflected on my friend, who is now free from pain and cares, and knew that he felt the spirit prompt him to make things right with people in his life. I was a teeny tiny little part of that, and I don't believe he thought much about me over the years, but to be considered and remembered in that way, I was overcome with gratitude. I know he is in a better place now, and Im grateful that I can bring him peace in such a small way.
He was strong to the end. He held on, strong and valiant. He did not give up his faith, even when his fight was gone. He kept holding on, because he knew what mattered most, and he taught me so much in the small words of "Im sorry"
Our awesome stake president, who used to be our bishop, spoke about how sometimes in life, we are holding on to the iron rod but sometimes we aren't necessarily moving forward. That is when he said, "its ok, just keep holding on"
That was so profound for me. Two different situations, but with the same lesson. KEEP HOLDING ON
That is how I am feeling right now in my life. I am holding on. My testimony is strong. I know Heavenly Father loves me. I know the Atonement can heal my heart, and I know that the gospel is true. I don't struggle with my testimony. Life can just be tough.
My worries and cares are so insignificant compared to the family who just lost their husband and dad.
So insignificant to one of my friends who just lost her dad today.
To the couple who's blog I follow that just lost their sweet baby girl.
To all those poor people in Japan.
I am just one person in billions on the earth. So many more need His love, His comfort and His attention. But I know, without a doubt, that no matter how insignificant my sorrows are, He loves me, is there to comfort me, and will give me His attention if and when I need it. All I have to do is ask.
And keep holding on.
My favorite apostle....(are we supposed to have fav's?) said these inspiring words that I have been reading today.
"If for a while the harder you try, the harder it gets, take heart. So it has been with the best people who ever lived. — Jeffrey R. Holland
"God expects you to have enough faith and determination and enough trust in Him to keep moving, keep living, keep rejoicing. In fact, He expects you not simply to face the future (that sounds pretty grim and stoic); He expects you to embrace and shape the future--to love it and rejoice in it and delight in your opportunities.
God is anxiously waiting for the chance to answer your prayers and fulfill your dreams, just as He always has. But He can't if you don't pray, and He can't if you don't dream. In short, He can't if you don't believe."
— Jeffrey R. Holland
Just keep holding on......
Thank you Jeff. Rest in Peace my friend. Thank you for teaching me to keep holding on.
