Healthier me...

I have to figure out why I keep going back to the same bad eating habits that got me 40 lbs overweight. I thankfully have not gained all the weight back, but it creeps up so fast! Going on our cruise was a major back slide for me and then the following month afterwards (til now) I have been so careless. UGH!
I need to get to the root of the issue. Whats going on in my head. What triggers my emotional eating.
And then there is the food that I honestly just love. Food is yummy.

So starting today, I am working on being healthier. I have to do this for the quality of my life as well as quantity. I need to do this for my family.
I need to do it for my sanity.

But, I also need to stop thinking I have to look a certain way. I need to learn to be happy being just me. My hips will always be here. The result of 4 babies. Of course I will never have the "perfect" body, whatever that is.

But somehow there has to be a way that I can love myself and take care of myself and keep my motivation every day!

If anyone reads this, and you have ideas, I would love to hear em!

I got my daily dose of chocolate every day for 10 years.....

It has been a sad week in our house.
Our beloved Chocolate chunk, Starley, is gone.
We got her when she was just 6 weeks old, and the most adorable little puppy ever. Hailey was barely 4 years old, and Kami was 2.

I watched her go from a happy, carefree puppy, to a happy, fat dog. She was huge at one point. We took her into the vet when she was about 7 years old and he said we needed to put her on a diet because her hips were not good and they would deteriorate faster when extra weight. So, we put her and the other 2 on a diet.

She looked great the last 3 years. She was like a puppy when Paul would throw balls for her. She would run and get a couple of them and then wear out and let Zoe have them. Her tail would wag at the sight of any one of us. She especially loved Paul. When we would come downstairs in the morning, you could hear the thump thump of her tail as she would say good morning.

I was realizing last night, after an entire day without her, that she was inside with me almost every day. She was my companion. Maggie and Zoe love to go outside. Starley usually stayed in.

The best thing about Starley was, she loved everyone. She liked to greet anyone that came to the door. It was usually with a sniff....not many people like to be sniffed, but that was her way of saying hello.

We have a hole in our fence that faces our driveway. ( from our dogs of course) We could always count on Starleys nose sticking out of that hole to say hello or goodbye.

Starley was a hand shaker. She was so good about sitting and waiting for her dinner. We made her sit and wait, and shake. Once she gave us a shake, we would clap and she would go eat her dinner.

Our dogs howl at sirens. Since we live so close to both a fire station and a hospital, there are sirens often. Maggie and Zoe actually howl. Starley would yip.

If you aren't an animal lover, you truly would not understand the love we have for our dogs. Starley was special girl though. So kind. So obedient. So loyal, and she loved us unconditionally.
We loved her that way too.

On Sunday, I noticed when I put her outside that she wasnt herself. She just stood outside, favoring her right back leg. She stood in that same spot for 20 minutes or so. Paul returned home from Vegas, and I told him about her. He went outside with her and watched her eat her dinner. She was only standing on her left back leg, the other leg was up. When he felt around, she didnt wimper so we werent sure what was going on.

Monday morning, she was worse. She wouldnt even get up off the floor to go outside. Paul had to pick her up and put her outside, but she stood. Her back end just looked funny. She layed down outside the entire day, not getting up for water, or anything. When I went outside to check on her, I looked into her sweet brown eyes and knew that her time with us was through. It was almost as if her spirit spoke to mine and said she was ready to go. I believe, looking back, that she has been in pain for a long time. I was emotional that day, because I have a very hard time letting go.

I had to drive soccer carpool so I was gone when Kami text me and said that Starley had messed all over herself. Paul was home, and he had to wash her off and then he brought her into the house. She lay on the floor the rest of the night.

That night, we talked to the kids about death. I remember when my mom and dad taught us about death. It was the day after my Grandma Asay had died. They used a glove, and so did I. I explained about the spirit and the body coming together at birth, and then separating at death. Starley was going to heaven. It was a very tearful night. For everyone.

The girls were affected more because their dad was also in tears. He left the explanation up to me since he said he couldn't do it.

Then we all said our personally goodbyes. We had an appt for the next afternoon but it would be before the kids got home from school. Abby didnt really get it. She is 4 so I wasn't expecting much from her.

The next morning, Starley hadn't moved. I came downstairs to Hailey sitting on the floor next to Starley, just petting her and crying. My tears began again. Then all the girls came down.

When Abby came downstairs she said, "Mom! Starley's not dead yet!!!"

I did have to laugh. We didn't entirely explain the process to her, just that Starley was going to heaven.

The girls were crying again when they left for school.

At one point in the day, Starley was grunting at me. I looked at her and knew she needed to go potty but she literally could not stand now. I had to pick up the back end of her, and she and I walked out the back doors. When we got out there she leaned up against me to try to figure out how to lay down again.

I cried the entire day on and off, just looking at her and knowing in my heart, she was suffering. I couldn't bear it.

Paul came home, carried her to the car where I started sobbing. I gave my sweet chocolate chunk a final snuggle and kiss.

I will love this amazing dog forever. We all will. She blessed our lives for 10 years just by being in it. She didnt do amazing things, other than love a bunch of crazy people. She was the best dog we could ever ask for.

On a lighter note, the night we talked to the girls about heaven, Paul mentioned Spooky. Spooky was our dog too, who is now up in heaven. Along with our 2 turtles, slippery and spike. His one contribution to the conversation that night was, "Spooky is up in heaven thinking, sheesh these turtles are no fun to play with. Just wait til Starley gets up there. They are going to have a blast together!"

We know that she is so happy. Heavenly Father just got another amazing dog. She is playing in the biggest backyard there is, chasing endless balls, and cats and sticks. She is free from pain, and waiting for us. I know it.

We will love you forever Starley. You will be in our hearts til we meet again.

Love you chunk!

Keep holding on

A friend of mine just passed away yesterday from cancer. This was a guy in high school who teased me incessantly, treated me with very little respect and was a downright jerk to me. I was dating one of his best friends and I guess he felt it was his job to show me who was boss. He was about 6 ft 5, 250 lbs....yes this was high school. I remember one day he picked me up and flung me over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes and walked around the halls of Alta High school with me. (I was wearing a skirt) I was kicking and screaming for him to put me down. I know I was calling him all kinds of names. When he finally put me down, he had me pinned up against a wall and told me "little girl, you need to know who's boss. What are you gonna do about it?"
Ya. Not a very nice person at the time.
I am not the type of person to keep a record of all the mean things people have done to me. But I remembered him. I remember being terrified of him. But I also did not cower in the corner at his treatment. I always fought back. Thats the way I roll. ;) I think it drove him crazy that he didnt scare me.....even though he really did.

So about a year ago, I got a friend request on facebook from him. I debated on saying yes. High School was not a favorite place for me. I was teased and belittled a lot. I have always struggled with my self esteem, especially during the years of 14-18. I have a lot of unhappy memories of that time. (plenty of happy ones too, of course)
But, I thought, what the heck. So I accepted his friend invite.

In response, I received a short message that said.
"I know I was not very kind to you in high school and for that I am sorry"

W.O.W.

I immediately said, "all is forgiven. Hope you are well"

I haven't spent the last almost 20 years hoping for that apology. In fact I hadn't thought much about it until I saw his name on my friend request. At the same time, what a gift it was for me.

He told me about his life briefly and that he has a very rare form of cancer. The Dr's were not giving him much hope. But he was holding on to his Faith, and knew that whatever happened, it was Heavenly Father's will.
He passed away yesterday,leaving his wife and 4 young children. My heart was heavy yesterday and I needed a pick me up.


I kept debating on whether or not I should attend the adult session of Stake Conference, alone. I went, not having a good enough reason to stay home.

I can't say I have been in too many meetings that have really been significant in my life. I always learn something, no matter if it was something I already knew and needed a gentle reminder or a new idea that I had never looked at in that way. Either way, I was not expecting anything amazing from last nights meeting.

It was not amazing, but it was exactly what I needed.

The premise of all the talks was this. We are not alone. We can ALWAYS repent. Keep holding on.

I reflected on my friend, who is now free from pain and cares, and knew that he felt the spirit prompt him to make things right with people in his life. I was a teeny tiny little part of that, and I don't believe he thought much about me over the years, but to be considered and remembered in that way, I was overcome with gratitude. I know he is in a better place now, and Im grateful that I can bring him peace in such a small way.
He was strong to the end. He held on, strong and valiant. He did not give up his faith, even when his fight was gone. He kept holding on, because he knew what mattered most, and he taught me so much in the small words of "Im sorry"

Our awesome stake president, who used to be our bishop, spoke about how sometimes in life, we are holding on to the iron rod but sometimes we aren't necessarily moving forward. That is when he said, "its ok, just keep holding on"

That was so profound for me. Two different situations, but with the same lesson. KEEP HOLDING ON

That is how I am feeling right now in my life. I am holding on. My testimony is strong. I know Heavenly Father loves me. I know the Atonement can heal my heart, and I know that the gospel is true. I don't struggle with my testimony. Life can just be tough.

My worries and cares are so insignificant compared to the family who just lost their husband and dad.

So insignificant to one of my friends who just lost her dad today.

To the couple who's blog I follow that just lost their sweet baby girl.

To all those poor people in Japan.

I am just one person in billions on the earth. So many more need His love, His comfort and His attention. But I know, without a doubt, that no matter how insignificant my sorrows are, He loves me, is there to comfort me, and will give me His attention if and when I need it. All I have to do is ask.

And keep holding on.

My favorite apostle....(are we supposed to have fav's?) said these inspiring words that I have been reading today.

"If for a while the harder you try, the harder it gets, take heart. So it has been with the best people who ever lived. — Jeffrey R. Holland

"God expects you to have enough faith and determination and enough trust in Him to keep moving, keep living, keep rejoicing. In fact, He expects you not simply to face the future (that sounds pretty grim and stoic); He expects you to embrace and shape the future--to love it and rejoice in it and delight in your opportunities.

God is anxiously waiting for the chance to answer your prayers and fulfill your dreams, just as He always has. But He can't if you don't pray, and He can't if you don't dream. In short, He can't if you don't believe."
— Jeffrey R. Holland

Just keep holding on......
Thank you Jeff. Rest in Peace my friend. Thank you for teaching me to keep holding on.

This weekend has been fun! Paul took Emilee and Hailey down to Vegas for Hailey's soccer tourney. Hailey spent the entire time with her team so it was just Dad and Emilee time. I felt it was important that Paul spend time with Emilee alone since she doesn't play any sports that we can go watch, or do anything that we can support her with except school and piano. We tried soccer and she literally freaked out on the sideline, not wanting to go in the game. We did tumbling for a while, and she is truly gifted there but she has no interest in it. So it is piano. I tell her often that I want her to learn to play like some of my favorite pianists.....Jon Schmidt, Paul Cardall. That gets a big smile on her face, and more interest in her practicing. I love piano music and really wish I had learned.


Paul said that all Em wanted to do was walk around the strip.
Vegas is NOT my favorite place in the world but apparently, when you have a young child with you, you are not bombarded by all the flyers, invitations etc that you are when you don't have a child along.
So not only was Em having fun, Paul was not overcome by the filth.
All in all, a very fun weekend for Emilee and her dad.

Em's favorite place was the M&M factory. Paul said they walked for 3 miles and Emilee never once complained. Atta girl Em!Notice the shorts, short sleeve shirt and SUNSHINE??? Ya, lucky dogs!

Kami, Abby and I went and saw a couple of movies. Justin Bieber and Gnomeo and Juliet. Went out to eat, did a little shopping (for new Cleats for Kami since softball starts this week and she is truly growing like a weed!) watched Cake Boss, Biggest Loser recorded episodes and played the Wii together.
We got out of our movie with our mugs still a bit full of our drinks and as I was driving out of the parking lot, they totally tipped and Kami and I were covered in Lemonade and Coke. We laughed and laughed! Kami is at the age where her hormones are going crazy and I can't be sure whether its a happy moment or a grumpy one. Thankfully that was a happy one. She and I don't mesh on occasion but this weekend was a good time for us as well. I didnt sleep well since they felt that since their dad wasnt home they needed to keep my company in my bed. I ate WAY too much crud, and did a lot of laundry while still having a great time with my 2 girls. Abby is just a happy kid who loves to do just about anything except help with chores.

Although being a mom is a tough job, I am very blessed. I know it.

Upcoming week: 6 days of soccer, 4 days of softball, 1 day of volleyball and 7 days of BUSY! Bring it on...

Wow, here I am again....

I realized after my last post, I crave the release this gives me. I have been quite a slacker when it comes to journaling. Ever since I got married, my journal entries have been few and far between. I was an avid journal writer from about the age of 12 until I got married. I literally have boxes of journals. Now, I have 1 journal that I have sporadically written in in the last almost 15 years. HOW SAD!

Maybe its the time of year, maybe its the times we are living in.....or maybe Im normal? Whatever it is, I have really been struggling.

One of the things I struggle with is what others think of me.

Paul keeps asking me why I care what others think. Yes, I ask myself the same thing. Why do I care?
Maybe because I care about the opinions of some of those people. Or maybe I care too much?
Regardless of what it is, I feel as though I have failed.
I have heard the comments that others have made about the way we are allowing our daughter to travel all over the country to play soccer. Yes, she has occasionally plays on Sunday. Does that make me a bad mom? Does that make me a bad member of the church? Am I worthy to go to the Temple knowing that we are supporting our daughter and her goals? Does that mean that my daughter will grow up thinking that Sunday is just another day of the week.
The saddest part is, I am feeling guilt more because of the things that others have said to me, and the judgements being passed (behind our backs) then I am of the actual decision.

I have struggled spiritually because of the condescending things being said about "we know better" or "how could they let their daughter do this. She is going to grow up thinking...."
my favorite is, "they are favoring their oldest daughter above the others."

We actually went to the temple over this decision. We prayed as a couple and with Hailey over this decision. Ultimately, it is Hailey's future we are deciding. She has some pretty lofty goals. We as parents want our kids to reach their goals. We want them to dream, and not just dream but dream big and then believe that they can do anything they set their minds to. From the beginning of Hailey's life, as well as the lives of our other girls, we have taught them that we will support them in whatever they are doing. We will council them, and teach the what is right, and let them govern themselves.

So does that make our daughter less spiritual than others because she has chosen (and we have supported her) to play soccer on Sunday's when she is out of state? Does that mean she isnt going to grow up with a strong testimony of the gospel because she has dreams of the Olympics and playing for a major college?

I have talked to my sweet daughter about her dreams often. Is there a possibility that she could make the US national team? You bet there is. The chances are slim, we know. But we are the LAST people in her life that will ever tell her she cannot reach her dreams.

I have been told that I need to read the "good, better, best" talk and then really think about our decision with Hailey. Well, that is coming from so many who assume that we havent thought this through.

So really, my heart has been broken time and again from my "friends" and neighbors and members of our ward who have passed judgement on us. I have a testimony of the gospel and I know that it is true. If I didnt, I would not continue to go to church knowing that those who have so cruelly said things about our family look me in the face and smile and then behind my back talk mean.

Think what you will. I will no longer allow you to hold my feelings hostage. You are not worth the hurt you have caused.
My daughter is more important than what you think of me and our family. Our daughters dreams are real. She is an amazing girl who can do anything she puts her mind to. She has had much judgement passed towards her from her peers, both members and non alike. So many hurtful things have been said and done to her in the past 18 months, and yet she holds her head high and knows who she is. She knows what she wants. She is strong. She is good. No matter what you say, she knows the truth. She has a testimony and we as her parents are doing all we can to help her keep Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ close to her in her life. She prays morning and night, including them in her decisions. THAT, in the end, is all that matters to me.
I know what is true. I know where I belong. It may not be in many social circles in the neighborhood, or at church, but I know that Heavenly Father is always there and that my efforts as a mother, a wife, a Primary President, a daughter, sister, friend, neighbor, cheerleader, etc etc are enough for HIM, even if they arent enough for everyone else. My daughter is a beautiful girl who has taught me that I can do anything I set my mind to. She has taught me that I can rise above the negative and shine no matter how few people I have on my sidelines cheering me on. She is a true example of determination, perseverance and faith. She knows who she is and doesnt let anyone define her. She lives her life as a shining example of love, forgiveness and hope for her future.

One day, as she and I were talking about life and her future, I asked her where she saw herself in 20 years.
She said, "a mom"
I said, "what about soccer?"
"I will be coaching my kids, DUH!"
Thats my girl!

We must be doing something right.

Is it time to blog again?

Wow, I pretty much forgot I had a blog. I know, crazy. I still visit blogs of others occasionally but have not been to my own in a very long time. My how my girls have grown, from the pictures on here.
Life has been crazy, as it is for everyone else. I find myself looking at my girls and wondering if they will have good memories of their childhood. If they will remember me and our home and all that entails their lives with a smile. I truly hope so.
Hailey is currently traveling around the country playing soccer. Yes, she still lives with us. But just barely. I'm really struggling with missing her. She truly is never home. You see, she has these dreams. She has a passion for soccer. I am trying to keep her on earth, grounded and balanced, but it sure is a battle. I admire my 13 year old though. She is such a determined and driven girl. Something I wish I could catch, like a cold.
Kami is our awesome, amazing helper. She helps me so much around the house, the yard, with her sisters and is just my right hand. I am so impressed with how much she loves others. She babysits for neighbors and every one of them has commented at how much their kids love her. She really is my nurturer. She loves me too, and I need all the people I can get that love me! ;) She loves her horse, softball, volleyball and activity days. She is so excited to be going into YW's in April. Wow, where does the time go???
Emilee is growing like a weed! She was baptized last November. She plays the piano and is getting very good at it. Emilee loves to be playing. She is a busy kid who just never stops. She wears me out just watching her.
Abby is 4 years old already. My baby is no longer a baby. She had her tonsils out in December and it was a very hard 4 weeks of recovery for her and me. I could barely stand seeing her in so much pain. She wouldnt eat or drink for days. We almost took her in to the hospital until we finally convinced her to drink.....it took telling her they would have to put a needle in her arm. That worked! She is an absolute sweetheart. She loves her sisters so much. She misses Hailey when she is gone. They actually all miss Hailey. I know Hailey loves what she is doing, but she also misses home and her friends and us, I hope....
Paul and I just returned from a Cruise to the Mexican Riviera with my dad and Max, her kids and Becky and Dan. Talk about a heavenly vacation. No kids, no phones, computers, responsibility. It was so awesome for Paul and I just to get away together. We havent been together alone that long in many many years. Ok, since before Hailey was born. (so almost 14 years) I so appreciate my dad for doing that for us!
So that is a brief update. Hopefully I will keep up with this.
I love my family. My girls are a blessing.

Ouchy!

So the morning of Halloween we had just finished making a nice pancake breakfast. Emi and Abs like to play on the "twirly" chair that is at the desk. Our neighbor was over for a minute talking about.....well, I dont remember. All I do remember is the loud crashing noise and my little 3 year old screaming. It was one of those screams that scares any mom. I ran down and grabbed her. She had hit her eye on the desk and it was bleeding pretty good. Blood was also coming out of her mouth a little bit.....not too gruesome people, but she definitely bit her cheek and her tongue good. Our neighbor, who is an expert at injuries since he has 4 boys, with a set of twins, and lots of trips to the ER under his belt took a look at her eye, spread it open with his fingers.....enough to make me want to hurl at the sight, and said she was going to need stitches.

So Paul and the very compassionate Kami, took Abby to the ER.

4 stitches later.....here she is.

She also hit her ear pretty good too.
This is her a day later.....amazing how fast kids bounce back. She actually went out trick or treating that night and didnt complain at all unless we put neosporin on it, then she freaked. What a tough little cookie she is.

The really sad part about this. Emi was the one twirling her on the chair when it tipped. Emilee cried for 2 hours about it that day, the entire time Abby was gone to the ER. I tried to explain that accidents happen but she just could not forgive herself. She kept saying she made Abby hurt so bad. I finally asked her to go say a prayer for Abby so that it wouldnt hurt at the Dr. and Emi said, "I already did" Oh, that made my heart happy. I think I probably got tears in my eyes too.
For weeks afterwards, all of Emi's papers coming home from school said things like, "I gave my sister stitches and I felt really bad" "My sister cried a lot when I made her crash and get stitches." My tender hearted little girl.